Thursday, January 04, 2007
Scared and Confused!
Hey....So I had really planned for an earlyesh night 2night! But no of course my brain for a change has decided to go into over load! I hate this. Coz it's one of those nights where you've had enough late nights and just really feel like your going to keel over. But I've been in bed since 11.30 and I have had no such luck in sleeping. Therefore, I've resorted to making hot chocolate with marshmallows and my favorite cookies....M&S white chocolate one's-yum!So here's why I'm feasting and not nodding into dream world....
Ok........so I'm pretty scared about what happens next. I mean I haven't a clue what I would like to do after my A-levels. But I have made a great effort by fooling myself into thinking that I do know what I want. If you get me at all? I mean for ages I have thought about graphic design or youth work/ministry whatever. Now I'm really not sure. Meanwhile my dad is chipping in my ear about going into property...being a property developer/realter....but I'm not so sure if I can do that either?!? And when I was in Birmingham before Christmas and I was talking to Dolf and Sharon (woman who works for/with my dad) both said my dad has high hopes for me. Yea, way to load the pressure onto a 16 year old. Another thing.....when I go back to school we are starting the UCAS procedure....an experience that I have heard is not good. From other peoples comments I think I would rather pull my hair out, for the time I'm in careers class rather than have to participate! Also I know that my careers teachers are going to add even more pressure....hey! guess what they've succeeded already and we haven't even started to fill the forms in!!! I don't have a clue about uni's or whether I even want to go to uni. Another idea to just throw into the mix is that Sara and I discussed business ideas....shared them with our parents who laughed on our first comments then fired all the negatives at us.
I mean what is with that? They want us to decide what we want to do but when we make the effort to decide it's thrown back in our faces!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Another thing that is bugging me is the fact we have ONE life! I can only do so much for God here and I don't want to get into heaven by the skin of my teeth. But right now that looks pretty certain. Why couldn't life be easier? Why couldn't we discover the answers sooner?
Yea, and another thing. This year I'm going to lose at least two of my bestest friends. Catherine and Lynn. More than likely they will be heading off to uni in England. And that totally SUCKS! It may sound dramatic but I actually don't know what I'll do without them!?! I think I'll end up going into a state of depression...no joke. Catherine is the only person I have found on this earth so far who completely understands me. She's my angel. Granted she is a pain in the ass sometimes..but hey so am I! *tears* I'm not feeling the happy new year feeling.
Ok, so I had also like pretty much decided that I was going to apply for a job in Monsoon. I printed off the form and everything. Then before I tried sleeping I read my bible notes (ucb) and it was about growth and how not to rush it. And about how God will provide me with more responsibility when I'm ready. So then I'm thinking does that mean I shouldn't apply for this job? Will I not be able to handle this on top of my school work? One line that hit me was...
'So don't just desire something because it looks good in somebody else's life.'
That could be hinted at me because my friends around me have jobs. And I suppose I'm fed up of not having one and them asking how I get money and stuff and making me out to be daddy's wee girl...which I'm not. And I won't moouch of my dad- hinted at you Miss McKeown...I know you think that!
Aww right now all I want to do is jump on a plane....preferably a private jet....which of course my dad would provide! Ehh yea I wish. And head off to Canada...Montreal and hide in my log cabin. It makes me feel like no one knows where I am. Love it. Boy I've let out steam in that place. Look at it....it's beautiful. Grrrr!!! Tell me o please tell me why life has to be so darn hard and filled with stupid decisions? Right now its tempting to let someone else to decide for me i.e my family.Labels: Careers, Future, life, UCAS
On 00:24, Rach J let go.
