Monday, April 30, 2007
It's been a while...
Hey all...So it has been a while but my internet has been offline for a whole week but it has felt like a month! Lol. It was a simple task as my mum had just plugged a phone line in up in my brothers room and it cut off our internet connection and after hiring the guy to fix it, my brother actually ended up fixing it. Typical. Ok the main thing is I'm back online! Lol....
A lot has been going on in my head recently. And while I was off sick I did way too much thinking. Being sick is bad for so many reasons. Ok to start out with I felt guilty during the time I was off. But in the moments I managed to do some work I was listening to music playing away in the background (I can’t stand working in silence also I find that I can remember what song I was listening to when I wrote a particular point and it helps me remember stuff- kinda weird.) I had on one of my mum’s CD’s- Michael. W. Smith- Healing Rain album and the song ‘Healing Rain’ was playing and I remembered how the lyrics used to hold so much passion and meaning to me. I used to be able to sing ‘Healing rain is falling down, healing rain is falling down. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid.’
But I am. I’m afraid of what lies ahead, of exams, pressures and people. I can’t seem to give God control, I just can’t let go. I want to do everything myself and in some respects I think that God expects me to do everything myself. I don’t know why this is so difficult for me…I mean I’ve been brought up with this stuff (for want of a better word). Is it my stubbornness? Have I built up such a high guard around my heart that I won’t even let God in? Sure God can’t hurt me, right?
The past couple of weeks have tested me. With being sick but also I’ve had a hard time with one of my friends, she wants me to go clubbing for her birthday but I’ve said no. Of course she’s taken it personally, but she knows the reasons why I don’t want to and she said she understood. But she said for a friend she thought I would have made an expectation. I told her that just because I’ve made this decision doesn’t mean I love her any less and that I was really sorry but I don’t put friends before my faith. Ironic, since I’m struggling with it right now. But I still think this has been the right decision but I know it’s not the end of it. It’s hard to lead the life you choose (taken from Goo Goo Dolls- Sympathy…my ring tone!!)
Hmm so another thing, which I pounced on my mum today over coffee and her eyes popped out of her head. I’m not sure I want to go back to school anymore. I’m just scared of all the work and I don’t want to have to do it and go through all the stress again coz lets face it…it’s going to have stepped up a gear since last year and then it will again when it comes to A-levels next year. When I was in Saintfield it was my dream to get into a Grammar school…but was that my dream and not the plan God had laid out for me? I could just start working, say for my dad or in Jackson’s- that’s everyone’s favourite!! Lol. I mean I don’t even think I’ll go to uni coz I’ve know idea what I or God want’s me to do. Errrrr why could things not be easier!? So I really don’t know where to go from here, who to talk to and what to do.
Any suggestions?
Last night I really couldn't sleep. I went to bed at about 10.30 and didn't get to sleep until 2.30/3am-esh. My head just wouldn't stop thinking about everything. Life, love, friends, faith, worries etc. I just felt anixous and on edge. I had thought about going for a walk to try and clear my head but this was at about 1.30am and I thought that it would be slightly freaky going out alone in the pitch black on the wee country roads, so I decided against it. But when I actually got to sleep it didn't really help coz I just had nightmares, so in a way I was glad to hear my alarm at 6.30am this morning. I dunno what I need to try and make all my thoughts go away...its not that they're bad it's that they're stupid and annoying. State the obvious....pray Rachel. But right now I'm not sure that's enough!?
Labels: Confusion, Dreams, God, life, Recovery
Sunday, April 15, 2007
4S's-Scared, Sick, Sleepy, Sore!
So, yea guys.... I'm sick.I hate it. I woke up this morning and could hardly open my eyes. Mum had already been in so I dragged myself out of bed to discover that my whole body was all achey. Not the greatest feeling in the world. I ventured downstairs which proved to be tricky coz I'm really light headed...which is making me think I have like an ear-infection coz it effects your balance etc and I've had it before. Who knows? You aren't allowed to see a doctor unless you've had the same feelings for 3 days! So my day has consisted of sleeping, drinking apple juice, watching My Girl 2, revising...O and did I mention sleeping? So basically this covers the last 3 S's....Sick, sleepy and sore!
Onto SCARED.....my heart is tensing just typing that word.
I personally think it should be erased out of the english dictionary...but who am I?!
Why am I scared?
Because the easter holidays are over. And I've done very little work. I know that starting back this term means the season of stress. Yes, 'kids' do get stressed. Well I believe we do. In fact, last year I made myself sick out of worry. During and while waiting for exam results. I've been thinking if that's what is wrong today. Am I so wound up, nervous and anixous that I'm sick?! I'm not sure how though....how could stress amount up to this? My exams haven't even started...they don't start until 13th June....which on Friday was only 2months! YIKES! I don't want to fail. I don't want my emotions to take over, but right now I'm letting them 'win'. I've wanted to move to a Grammar school since I went to High school....what if I mess this 'dream' up?!? I can't. (Actually kinda teary eyed!) I really do not know what to do. I can't and don't really want to ask God for help. I mean I haven't even been talking to him recently so why should he help me with this fear!? Am I going to run out of steam? It's the fact that every so often my heart kinda beats twice...like over itself if you understand me and it doesn't feel good. I don't want to be over reacting but I don't want to under react either. I know that all of this is a pile of poo. I'm being silly, I'm being haunted by my own self doubt. Sleeping is the only thing that kinda stops it once I finally get over to sleep.
I guess what I need right now is prayer? Seeing I'm too scared right now to pray for answers.
(On a lighter, happier note.....got a passport form....mum made a mistake but we have a back-up one so it's just to filled in later tonight then dad is getting it verified tomorrow and off it goes!)
Thinking of everyone who is entering this 'joyous' stress season....try to do it with a little more enthusiasm and courage than me!
O yea.....and guess who is going to be entering the UCAS system now! Me the joys! Just another thing to ponder and freak out about! Yey! Life is so hard...do you think dying is easier?! I feel so guilty about complaining about this and talking about how I feel coz it's not like I'm someone in Africa who doesn't know anything about God and who has to learn and worry about surviving everyday. Gosh I'm so wrapped up in my own life right now! So pray for people in poverty too please!!!
I'm going to go before I write anymore crap!!
Labels: guilt, life, scared, school, stress, studying
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Czech crazyness begins...
Yesterday our czech team and the 6 czechs that where over headed out together up to the Giant's Causeway. We left bright and early so we could pack as much as possible into one day. And well....we did! It was great to hang out with everyone and I know our team is so much stronger already- God is really working. I can't wait to meet up with the czechs again...they're totally random and fun! I like everyone else took loads of photos so I'm going to let them do all the talking.......
Jayne!
Me and My shadow
Why is the sky blue?
Best Budds
Causeway Coast
Rach looking a bit lost
Heart made of stone?!
Moment in the sun
Hmm?!?
LOL!!!
Jayne
Hide Away..
My footprints
Smooth wave
Widen Horizons
People....
Cyril supporting the ocean swept look...
Portbalentrae(...correct my spelling please!)
Come to Ireland...
...we make dreams come true! (It was one of Cyrils dreams to cuddle a lamb!)
Filip and the beautiful lamb!
Rose and the lamb-so cute!
Me and the lamb- I want one now!
Thank you so much to everyone! It was fab! Thanks to Paul who drove for us and was an awesome leader as always! Bring on the 8th July! But I really should get my passport sorted...ahh please everyone pray that I get it in time!
Labels: Czech, Dreams, Fun, Prayer, Thankfullness
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Easter Sunday....A story that will never be forgotten!
All heaven declares, the glory of the risen Lord...As I watched the most beautiful sunrise this morning at the dawn service I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and hope. The setting of this year's service was amazing. Best I've seen yet. I could just feel God for those brief few minutes. Although I must admit that I felt ever so slightly guilty as I got the case of the giggles a couple of times....I tell ya the MckKeowns can be a bad influence on you, but who's perfect. It will help me remember this day better seeing as I had a laugh too.
The reason why 50-60 of us got up at 5.30am or earlier (I woke up at 5am, I think I was worried that I wasn't going to wake up even though I had two alarms set as well!Lol) was to remember Jesus' resurrection. It was a celebration! Our one and only Saviour lives! I've been thinking about how this day would have been like 2000 years ago when Mary Magdalene found that the stone had been rolled away and the tomb was empty. Can you imagine the mixture of disbelief, happiness, relief and excitment she must have been feeling? Jesus was alive....He had risen just as he had promised. I can just imagine how astonished the disciples and other followers of Jesus must have felt when they heard the news. Not only was their King and Saviour alive but he promised....
'I will be with you always, even until the end of this age.'
He promises the same today,tomorrow and forver.
I wish I could incapsulate how Mary and everyone felt that day. I wish I could capture those feelings in a jar and when I become 'fed-up' with life I could be refreshed by their excitment. But this is what God is offering me today. If I let him he will refresh and light me on fire for him again. Please God, don't let me burn out as quickly this time.
Thankfullness surrounds my thoughts today and I'm trying to share it around with everyone.
Thank-you God for sending your only Son to die on the cross for me and everyone, to show your love. But more importantly not leaving the story to end there, but raising Jesus from the dead that we may have forgiveness and hope!
If you are in any shadow of a doubt as to whether God loves you let me reassure you that he loves you to death. Literally.
Labels: Easter Sunday, Prayer, Thankfullness
Friday, April 06, 2007
Good Friday...
This weekend of Easter is a pivotal point in the history of the Christian faith. This is the basis on which our faith comes from.
On this day, Jesus died on the cross.
Why?
He was following his father's orders, he had been sentenced to this death by Pilot/people of Jerusalem.
One thing about the Easter story that hits me every year is the fact that while Jesus was suffering on the Cross...for our sins he was able to feel what it was like to be a murderer, rapist, theif, drug addict, alcholic etc... he had to think about the senister thoughts of people who had been possessed by the devil.
He felt the wrath of what the devil was doing. Of what he was and has been doing to His people. But Jesus died to stop this. He died so that we could be set free from the wrath of sin.
It still amazes me that someone would die for me and then continue to love me. I mean, was Jesus thinking of me and you while he was dying slowly? Was he able to think of us by name? It's an awesome thought.
No words can describe how truly amazing this sacrafice was. This was His living purpose that His Father had sentenced him to. There was no other option. LOVE had to prevail....and He always will.
I am so thankful that I have been saved by the Grace of God and He forgives me regardless of what I've done or rather not done.
As long as I remember
I’ve been walking through the wilderness
Praying to the Father
And waiting for my time
I’ve come here with a mission
And soon I’ll give my life for this world
I’m praying in the garden
And I’m looking for a miracle
I find the journey hard but
It’s the reason I was born
Can this cup be passed on
Lord, I pray your will be done
In this world
So I’ll carry my cross
And I’ll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I’ll do it for love
No, it won’t be in vain
Yes, I’ll carry my cross
And I’ll carry the shame
I feel like I’m alone here
And I’m treated like a criminal
The time has come for me now
Even though I’ve done no wrong
Father, please forgive them
They know not what they’ve done
In this world
Three more days and I’ll be coming back again
Three more days and I’ll be coming back again
(Third Day...Carry my Cross.)
Labels: Easter, God, Thankfullness
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Beautiful Day with my prayer quadriplet....
So yesterday I went out with my prayer quadriplet....we have a prayer time together in school on Tuesdays at breaktime. We have been praying together for a couple of months now and we have all been really encouraged. Wait for this.....
.....we actually decided to go on tour.....
.....to Belfast.....
....where better???
Yea, its a revelation....people who pray can have fun!
Lol! We made full use of the good weather. We shopped, laughed, basked in the sun and played pranks. Lynne have you figured out yet that Mark wasn't actually in Belfast yesterday! What a shame?!
One of the weirdest things said yesterday was "Wow! Look at that bike....it looks sore!"
Quotation from our dear Nicola she meant sore to ride, but I thought she meant sore coz it had been chained to a lamp post!! Lol.
I am really thankful that God has blessed me with the friendship with these girls! I love them and it's so comforting to know that they are always thinking of you in prayer!
Here are some of the photos.....
I'm down with that Homie!
Haha Lynne!!!
We can only afford to try stuff on in Quicksilver!
Americas next top model?
Lynne and Helen
Nicola et moi
Tree
City Hall
Labels: friends, Fun, Prayer, Tour