Sunday, September 23, 2007
Sunday Christian
Due to recent events, I've been thinking.....
Am I just a Sunday Christian?
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Waking up on a Sunday morning forcing myself to get up and get dressed up. Go to Bible Class, listen to the weekly gossip and contently listen to the message in Bible Class, not daring to question one thing I've heard. I make my way over to church trying to not to be too paranoid as I walk in and certain people take a mental registration of my attendance. As I take my seat I paint on a smile and try to pay attention. Trying to sing with joy, I try to pray but I've found a new way of doing this....basically not! I read the bible just for reading it, not because I believe its going to change my life or thinking but because its part of the service. During the sermon I tune out either by reading or by staring into space thinking is this t?
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The worst of it is, I thought I'd changed. I thought I'd be able to live out what I'd learnt in the Czech Republic. But I've failed. Which was one of my worst fears about coming home. I try to get by during the week just praying to God before I go to sleep...which ends up with me falling asleep. Or when I'm worried and stressed. I've begun to live my life my way....AGAIN! I think I can do everything myself, without God. Mainly because I don't believe I deserve his mercy, grace and help. And I think I can do it myself.
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I've never felt more lonely, because after being in Czech...I now know what I'm missing. But I don't know how to get it back.
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But will I get it back if I go to SU, if I go to Raffrey, if I go to mannafest, summer madness or in fact the Czech Republic...I doubt it. Coz maybe it's not gone at all....more like its me thats lost.
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I guess deep down I have an idea how to get it (and by 'it' I mean my relationship with God) back the question is- Do I really want it?
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Sorry guys, I doubt any of this even makes sense! I've just found myself blabbering on!!
On 15:24, Rach J let go.
