Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Falling short...

At last the most awful exam timetable of my life is complete. Today I had my second R.S paper and of course like many people from my class I chose the 2 easiest questions or rather the 2 I could write most about. One on early church worship (included baptism, eucharist etc) and the spread and expansion of Christianity (of which the part B talked about monasticism and I completely slagged off monks-Oopsies!!) I'm just so glad they're over coz my head really hurt today and all I could do before I went in was concentrating on staying awake. So there's a few more exams ticked off my list but probably not my best. But I'm not gonna dwell on that now plently of time for that later in the summer.

But the past couple of months I've been feeling like I'm falling short of everything. It's really hard to put this in words but it just seems like sometimes I'm not needed. Let me give you some examples (coz otherwise you would just write me off and say I'm being silly...) so ok 6 out of 8 of my close friends are in relationships and it's like I've been tossed aside. Then when I'm with certain people it's like they'd rather talk to their other friends instead of me. But then they'll be like aww I love you etc but how when their actions to live up to what they say? I know I'm being totally shelfish and just completely stupid but sure that's me! I'm just not seeing the need for my presence right now or the purpose of my race that I'm continuing to run. I'm getting tired and it would be so easy to give up right now. I mean would I have more freedom if I wasn't a Christian? Would my options and oppurtunities be better?? I don't know. I just don't know. I really haven't explained anything properly but I don't think it helps that I've no idea how to put it into words! Just complete crap to sum it up in one word.

But at the same time I feel that I'm falling short for God too and I don't wanna do that either.

I can't figure out who likes me and who doesn't I'm tormented by paranoria and haunted by self doubt. I dunno guys, I'm just being silly.


On 00:13, Rach J let go.