Thursday, October 11, 2007
I'm not alright.
Usually, I don't blog about what's really going on deep down inside of me. I never wear my heart on my sleeve but at the same time I'm so vunerable. I don't even really know why I'm saying any of this and I'll be shocked if I actually get this posted. But I'm lost.
With life, people, in school work and chiefly from God.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now.
Numb.
I guess.
It's like I'm at the valley of a mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs but sound isn't actually coming out.
There are so many thoughts flying around my head and I can't stop them. I haven't been able to stop them since Czech.
I feel even more screwed up since I've been to Czech. Coz before hand I did such a great job of hiding everything and putting things out of my mind but now I don't seem to be able to.
Each time I get hit with something else that brings me down I run the opposite direction from God's arms.
But I just don't even understand why he's there with open arms!? I mean he sees my actions and knows all my thoughts so why is he still there and still wanting to help?!? I really feel like my grip on God's hand is slipping and I kinda feel like letting go.
But a part of me is saying no you can't. Do you really think life will be better without God in your life?
I just don't know anymore.
Today I was reminded of this sweet ass song though.....
V1 If weakness is a wound
That no-one wants to speak of
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
And I am not immune;
I only wanna be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I loose my need to impress?
If you want the truth- I need to confess
* CHORUS
I'm not alright,
I'm broken inside, broken inside;
And all I go through,
it leads me to You
It leads me to You
V2 Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Till everything to hide behind is gone
When I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved (closer to you)
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved (closer to you)
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved (closer to you)
And now I'm moved, and now I'm moved, and now I'm moved I'm not alright,
I'm broken inside,
broken inside
Ohhhhhhhh broken inside, broken inside;
And all I go through, it leads me to You
It leads me to You I'm not alright, I'm not alright, I'm not alright
That's why I need you.
On 17:09, Rach J let go.
