Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Words,distracted,frustrated
If I could do one thing this week....it would be to lie in my bed and sleep. Seriously if there is someone who wants to give me that luxury as a birthday present it would be greatly appreciated. The main reason would be the simple fact that I'm not really very motivated right now...because I have tones on my mind and it won't shut up. Do you ever get that, you sit and nag at yourself about stuff and you don't know how to fix it? I've been doing that constantly since Saturday night....I can't seem to let go of the fact that I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I can hardly concentrate in school coz I'm thinking about all this stuff, not to mention the fact that I can hardly speak to my friends (coz I can't laugh...coz I feel too guilty to, it's as if someone has died...or maybe I'm/my soul is dying?) and my family well.....I'm not speaking to them and they aren't speaking to me.Another thing is I can't tell them about why I'm in this 'mood'. They are just guessin that I'm stressed with school work but right now I wish it was just that, coz at least I'd know how to fix it! Truth is I'm stuck. I can't get past these feelings and thoughts that are floating around in my head....I don't know where to go next. I am watching what I'm feeding my brain (good advice from a certain someone) so today in study....I only listened to the christian music that is on my ipod...the ratio between christian and normal music is completely wrong though!! Should get more on there. So while I was working I really was listening to the lyrics and came across some amazing lyrics and lines:
"Having faith in the long run is easier said than done
It’s hard to live out in the light of day
You’re bruised and you’re battered, your dreams have been shattered
Your best laid plans scattered over the place
Despite all your tendencies, God sees it differently
Your struggle’s a time to grow
And you, you’re a miracle, anything but typical
It’s time for the whole wide world to know" (Keep on shinin'-Third Day)
"How do you know, how do you know
What I’m suppose to be doing
Why do you go, why do you go on
Thinking you know my fate
So many times I’ve lost my step
But never lost my way
How do you know, how do you know
When I don’t know myself
You’re thinking that you’ve got all the answers
You’ve got my situation figured out
But you’re only seeing part of the picture
There’s so much more that you don’t know about"(How do you know? Third Day)
"Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface" (Love heals your heart-Third Day)
"You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will" (My Desire- Jeremy Camp)
When I feel expressive or creative I usually write....stories, poems or songs and I tried to express all this stuff today and I couldn't I just couldn't. I feel like a dummy. Just limp and numb. What should I do?
I know I need to let go
But sometimes its hard to find
The reason why to leave it behind
Guilt, anger, jealousy and pride
Have raised me up so high
Now I'm here on my knees
Crying out to you to heal me
Where do I go from here?
Wherever you go from here I will follow
I need to feel your loving embrace
Wrap me in your saving grace
Show me life again, in all its fullness
Show me your love
And let me show it to other people
There is a light at the end of my road
It's still shining
It's still loving
I'm still following
Ok. that was kinda random I just started typing there and that came out. I'm sorry guys for going on about this so much. I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon! Hopefully!
On 20:55, Rach J let go.
