Monday, April 30, 2007
It's been a while...
Hey all...So it has been a while but my internet has been offline for a whole week but it has felt like a month! Lol. It was a simple task as my mum had just plugged a phone line in up in my brothers room and it cut off our internet connection and after hiring the guy to fix it, my brother actually ended up fixing it. Typical. Ok the main thing is I'm back online! Lol....
A lot has been going on in my head recently. And while I was off sick I did way too much thinking. Being sick is bad for so many reasons. Ok to start out with I felt guilty during the time I was off. But in the moments I managed to do some work I was listening to music playing away in the background (I can’t stand working in silence also I find that I can remember what song I was listening to when I wrote a particular point and it helps me remember stuff- kinda weird.) I had on one of my mum’s CD’s- Michael. W. Smith- Healing Rain album and the song ‘Healing Rain’ was playing and I remembered how the lyrics used to hold so much passion and meaning to me. I used to be able to sing ‘Healing rain is falling down, healing rain is falling down. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid.’
But I am. I’m afraid of what lies ahead, of exams, pressures and people. I can’t seem to give God control, I just can’t let go. I want to do everything myself and in some respects I think that God expects me to do everything myself. I don’t know why this is so difficult for me…I mean I’ve been brought up with this stuff (for want of a better word). Is it my stubbornness? Have I built up such a high guard around my heart that I won’t even let God in? Sure God can’t hurt me, right?
The past couple of weeks have tested me. With being sick but also I’ve had a hard time with one of my friends, she wants me to go clubbing for her birthday but I’ve said no. Of course she’s taken it personally, but she knows the reasons why I don’t want to and she said she understood. But she said for a friend she thought I would have made an expectation. I told her that just because I’ve made this decision doesn’t mean I love her any less and that I was really sorry but I don’t put friends before my faith. Ironic, since I’m struggling with it right now. But I still think this has been the right decision but I know it’s not the end of it. It’s hard to lead the life you choose (taken from Goo Goo Dolls- Sympathy…my ring tone!!)
Hmm so another thing, which I pounced on my mum today over coffee and her eyes popped out of her head. I’m not sure I want to go back to school anymore. I’m just scared of all the work and I don’t want to have to do it and go through all the stress again coz lets face it…it’s going to have stepped up a gear since last year and then it will again when it comes to A-levels next year. When I was in Saintfield it was my dream to get into a Grammar school…but was that my dream and not the plan God had laid out for me? I could just start working, say for my dad or in Jackson’s- that’s everyone’s favourite!! Lol. I mean I don’t even think I’ll go to uni coz I’ve know idea what I or God want’s me to do. Errrrr why could things not be easier!? So I really don’t know where to go from here, who to talk to and what to do.
Any suggestions?
Last night I really couldn't sleep. I went to bed at about 10.30 and didn't get to sleep until 2.30/3am-esh. My head just wouldn't stop thinking about everything. Life, love, friends, faith, worries etc. I just felt anixous and on edge. I had thought about going for a walk to try and clear my head but this was at about 1.30am and I thought that it would be slightly freaky going out alone in the pitch black on the wee country roads, so I decided against it. But when I actually got to sleep it didn't really help coz I just had nightmares, so in a way I was glad to hear my alarm at 6.30am this morning. I dunno what I need to try and make all my thoughts go away...its not that they're bad it's that they're stupid and annoying. State the obvious....pray Rachel. But right now I'm not sure that's enough!?
Labels: Confusion, Dreams, God, life, Recovery
On 20:16, Rach J let go.
